Collected Facebook Statuses Part Three

Well, this is part three.  Anyone who’s read the other two should know the deal.   Anyone who hasn’t, well, why the hell are you starting with part 3?  That’s just completely illogical.  This one covers November 2009 where I seem to have posted an awful lot.

November 2009

 

Kieran Murphy thinks a peep show marathon is definitely the way forwards

(It certainly is, though I’m still a little distressed that some people feel it’s reasonable to compare me closely to Mark from the show)

 

Kieran Murphy Milk and a kit kat before bed. This man knows how to live.

(What I eat is interesting, but probably only to me …..)

 

Kieran Murphy doesn’t read comics, he’s an adult so he reads graphic novels……

(I’m not an adult, or at least I’m a very bad one, so I do read comics.)

 

Kieran Murphy has been told that he is apparently way too liberal in his use of the word ‘awesome’. Just to be clear, when i say ‘awesome’ i mean ‘awesome’. Don’t question me again.

(I did use the word awesome a hell of a lot, to the extent where it really started to piss some people off.  Still, who needs that sort of friend?  Judge me by my idiotic actions, not my idiotic vocabulary….)

 

Kieran Murphy thinks dj hero looks like the least appealing game ever!!!!!

(I’ll stand by this but then I dreamed of being Eddie Van Halen, not Paul Oakenfold so I’m probably not the target demographic.)

 

Kieran Murphy is good at making decisions but bad at getting them right

(Oh cry me a river, what a loser!!)

 

Kieran Murphy stupid stupid Orange, you’re supposed to block my phone when i haven’t paid my bill, not several hours after i have

(Stupid is not the word I was thinking in my head.)

 

Kieran Murphy really needs to do some laundry because if he doesn’t he’ll have no option but to wear an incredibly tight pair of jeans and a wifebeater vest out tonight. Well, no option other than his pyjamas anyways…………………..

(Yes I do own a wifebeater, no I don’t wear it well)

 

Kieran Murphy sometimes i wish i could be someone else so i could be friends with me cause i reckon that would be Awesome!

(I wouldn’t really wanna be friends with me, I’d rapidly lose patience with my idiotic shenanigans and the constant stream of crap I come out with.)

 

Kieran Murphy should either not drink ever or just not talk to, text, IM or otherwise communicate with anyone while drunk

(You may entertain people but you’re way more likely to just annoy them.)

 

Kieran Murphy Forget john and edward everyone, the real disgrace is that joe is still in the competition. The guy is a total charisma vacuum, watch in amazement next week as he sucks the life out of whatever song he’s meant to be singing. He’s a total wankbucket.

(For anyone who thinks I’m cool (which is probably no-one) this is conclusive proof that I’m not, I had an opinion on X-Factor and it was a strongly expressed one too.)

 

Kieran Murphy is off on a road trip to watch large muscular men pretend to fight each other. It’s gonna be legendary!!

(Road trip to Cardiff to see WWE Raw and Smackdown live.  It was outstanding.)

 

Kieran Murphy is gonna see the undertaker tonight

(The wrestler, not an actual undertaker which would be something of a downer I’d imagine.)

 

Kieran Murphy just saw the greatest busker ever – he was playing 99 red balloons! Awesome!

(He got more than a few coppers off of me, I was mightily impressed.)

 

Kieran Murphy No chris jericho but it would be rude to complain when over two nights i’ve seen Randy Orton, HHH, HBK, The Undertaker, CM Punk, John Morrison, John Cena, Rey Mysterio and Batista not to mention Melina and Mickie James. Happy, happy, happy! =)

(Oooh, name dropper…..)

 

Kieran Murphy Burger king for breakfast after macdonalds yesterday – i may go up a weight division!

(Or two)

 

Kieran Murphy has been shopping and now has ribena, cereal and kit kats not to mention trifle sponges. This man is gonna live like a King!!!!

(A fat one.)

 

Kieran Murphy realises it may be an indicator of a juvenile mind but loves splashing in puddles anyway…

(I feel sorry for anyone who can’t appreciate the pure childlike delight this brings.)

 

Kieran Murphy bideford has DENIED me lego today, damn this worthless town!!!!

(I have been known to overreact when I don’t get what I want.)

 

Kieran Murphy thinks seven parcels from amazon equals a good day – shame it costs so much to feel that retail buzz!!

(Spending money to feel good, that sounds like me.)

 

Kieran Murphy is having trouble sleeping which will undoubtedly impact severely on my ability to pass myself off as a useful contributing member of the human race.

(Yeah, I’m awful when I don’t sleep.  Or more awful depending on your initial opinion of me.)

 

Kieran Murphy is very unimpressed that he’s gonna miss doctor who tonight due to work. It’d better be on iplayer grrr

(It is NOT just a kid’s show!!!)

 

Kieran Murphy has resisted the lure of buy 1 get 2 free pringles. I’m very impressed with my newly acquired willpower!

(Probably just bought them the next day.)

 

Kieran Murphy has managed to misplace his quiz team – ooops

(Not even I am skilled enough to go it alone against the frenzied competition in the Blacksmith’s Arms.  It’s dog eat dog in there.)

 

Kieran Murphy thought he’d lost his favourite jeans but actually they were just at the very bottom of his laundry basket – winner!!

(I understand why I was confused, I never wash my jeans…..)

 

Kieran Murphy thinks if cough medicine is gonna taste this bad it should at least work …………

(I think that’s fair, if it’s gonna taste like shit it should at least be effective.)

 

Kieran Murphy Which is more disturbing; the entirely green loaf of bread dated november 2nd i found in the kitchen or the mug containing a dead daddy long legs i discovered when i took on the washing up? hmmm……

(For the record this was posted on November the 17^th)

 

Kieran Murphy has acquired a nice bruise from accidentally hitting myself in the face with a book. It wasn’t even a hardback…..

(I remember this.  Still not entirely sure how I managed it.)

 

Kieran Murphy loves having a multi region dvd player. Scrubs season 8 has just turned up – i don’t even need people this weekend now!

(I doubt I was much missed.)

 

Kieran Murphy thinks if any more people go sick from work he’s gonna buy a machete and stock up on canned food and prepare for the upcoming zombie apocalypse

(Everyone should have a contingency plan for this eventuality.  If you don’t then you shouldn’t expect any sympathy when you become zombie fodder.)

 

Kieran Murphy is wondering if his housemates will mind that he spent the rent money on magic beans or if they’ll realise what a unique opporunity it was and be ready to climb that beanstalk?

(I didn’t do this but if the opportunity came along I reckon I would.  I mean, yeah, they’re magic beans, but what if they worked?!?)

 

Kieran Murphy doesn’t answer the phone to numbers i don’t recognise – i’ve seen enough horror movies ………………..

(Why take the risk?)

 

Kieran Murphy thinks it takes an impressive lack of coordination to spray deodorant in your eye. Guess i’m just special….

(That was pretty painful too.)

 

Kieran Murphy is considering going into the professional hugging business

(I always hug like I mean it, I know no other way.)

 

Kieran Murphy wishes he hadn’t accidentally bought thick sliced bread for his sandwiches – thick sliced bread is rubbish!!

(It is, it completely screws up the bread to sandwich filling ratio.)

 

Kieran Murphy wants to change his name to Kieran ‘Awesome’ Murphy on here but anticipates a massive backlash if he does……………..

(For a while I was Kieran ‘Above Average’ Murphy.  I miss being above average.)

 

Kieran Murphy wonders if there is anything sadder than an empty packet of bourbons

(Yes.  Bridge to Terabithia)

Collected Facebook Statuses Part Two

This shouldn’t require much explanation.  It’s more of the random thoughts and ideas that I regularly post on Facebook because for some reason I think the world wants to know what’s going on in my head.   This part covers August through to October 2009.

August 2009

 

Kieran Murphy bought a load of fruit last week and then threw it out today cause it was starting to smell. So much for healthy eating…..

(I don’t like fruit, it’s rubbish)

 

Kieran Murphy is apparently a spiky haired twat. I’m gonna credit the guy with a lucky guess there cause i’d sure as hell never seen him before

(Yeah, some guy in the street just called me a spiky headed twat.  Pretty uncalled for I think.  I didn’t call him an unwashed thuggish skanknugget even though I legitimately could have cause that’s what he looked like)

 

Kieran Murphy bye bye darren bent. My girlfriend could have scored that header against portsmouth – and she’s imaginary…..

(I wasn’t sad to see Spurs sell Darren Bent.  It was a shocking header that he missed against Portsmouth, I recall Harry Redknapp telling the press that his missus could have scored it. I don’t believe that Harry’s missus is any better at football than my imaginary girlfriend)

 

Kieran Murphy thinks Anvil is easily the best film he’s seen this year

 

(That film makes me emotional, although not as emotional as Bridge to Terabithia does)

 

Kieran Murphy thinks money may not buy you happiness but it can buy you a shitload of stuff so if stuff makes you happy then you’re the real winner – well, until you have to move house anyway

(I hate moving house, I own way too much pointless crap)

 

Kieran Murphy should have drank coke with dave and hoops cause beer makes him a little bit of a cock

(More than a little bit, but Dave and Hoops are cocks all the time so I’m still the real winner)

 

Kieran Murphy you can’t stop rock and roll!!!

(And why would anyone want to?)

 

Kieran Murphy somehow kieran managed to be later for work when living 5 minutes away than he did when he lived 30 minutes away

(This is true but only idiots talk about themselves in the third person so minus points for that)

 

Kieran Murphy is not going to go on Amazon.co.uk this month, though he may find this a struggle……

(yeah, that was a Herculean task no doubt)

 

Kieran Murphy has somehow managed to find a movie that disturbs arlo and mace – no small acheivement i think

(They’re not easy guys to shock.  It was called Donkeypunch and was a bit crap)

 

Kieran Murphy cannot believe that not only did he have to go to work on his saturday night off but he also had his bank card eaten by a cash machine before he’d even put his PIN number in! The day after pay day!!! LAME LAME LAME

(This was a tragic experience for me.  I don’t want to talk about it)

 

Kieran Murphy thinks GI Joe may be the dumbest movie he has ever seen but it was still awesome

(It was definitely the dumbest movie ever, but then it was based on a range of action figures so what do you expect?)

 

Kieran Murphy is enjoying cornflakes and there is nothing weird about having them at this time at all. So there.

(I work nights so I eat breakfast in the evening. I do sound a little defensive there though)

 

Kieran Murphy has actually ironed his shirt for work tonight and would probably even look presentable if he could be bothered to shave and get a haircut

(I cut a fine figure in that nicely pressed shirt and clip-on tie.  I have to shave every time I go into work now cause apparently ‘cool stubble’ is unacceptable. I personally think that if it’s good enough for 1987 George Michael then it’s good enough for Morrisons)

 

Kieran Murphy is amazed that someone has made him a best man because the only thing he’s best at is eating mini rolls

(Dave made the potentially disastrous error of asking me to be his best man.  It all came off alright in the end though and everyone lived happily ever after.  I’m still best at eating mini rolls)

 

Kieran Murphy is having ribs for breakfast cause i don’t play by the rules

(It’s true.  But it’s not because I’m some kind of maverick, it’s cause I don’t understand the rules)

 

Kieran Murphy doesn’t follow the path, he goes where there is no path and makes his own…….or just ends up getting lost

(Very philosophical.  Maybe.)

 

Kieran Murphy thinks lesbian vampire killers may be the worst movie he has ever seen

(A terrifying movie for all the wrong reasons)

 

Kieran Murphy thinks if a song doesn’t have a guitar solo it probably shouldn’t exist

(This doesn’t always apply but it’s still a reasonably reliable indicator of song quality)

 

Kieran Murphy hates being at work when the store’s open. I can’t believe these people think it’s acceptable to get in my way. Don’t they know who I am!?!

(I am special and it angers me when people don’t acknowledge it haha)

 

Kieran Murphy Thank you HSBC for your broken cash machine swallowing my card for no reason, thank you for taking an eternity to get my new one to me, thank you for shutting your Bideford branch today until after the bank holiday meaning that i can’t get my hands on any of my money until tuesday and i’m going to have to spend my weekend entertaining myself with the 30p i currently have in my wallet. You’re the best bank.

(Rage and sarcasm in one whiny little package)

 

Kieran Murphy has his new bank card but is not gonna get excited until he puts it in the cash machine and it doesn’t get swallowed

(The delights of being able to access your own money)

 

Kieran Murphy thinks the people he’s deleted shouldn’t come back at him with a whole new wave of friend requests. Just move on guys, you’re embarassing yourselves.

(Well, did they think I deleted them cause I liked them?)

 

 

 

September 2009

 

Kieran Murphy has his ribena and now is going to take batman arkham asylum out of its wrap and play it till completion

Kieran Murphy loves Batman Arkham Asylum and thinks it’s totally out of order that he has to go to work when he wants to be playing it

(What a great game it was.  Sad to see work interfering with the more important aspects of my life once again….)

 

Kieran Murphy if The Streets are playing in a wood and there’s no-one there to hear them, are they still shit?

(I imagine they are.)

 

Kieran Murphy has finished Batman Arkham Asylum and is now at a loose end

(Judging by Facebook it took me two days.  What a life I lead….)

 

Kieran Murphy words fail me now

(This is unlikely.  I always have something to say for myself, even if it’s stupid)

 

Kieran Murphy wonders why he’s never able to recognise the moment at which drinking more just becomes a bad bad idea

(Along with the rest of the world I imagine.)

 

Kieran Murphy there’s always free cheese in a mouse trap…………..

(Wise words.  I learnt this from Tom and Jerry)

 

Kieran Murphy is at work and is a little concerned that his trousers seem to be disintegrating in a slightly inconvenient area

(I’ll leave it to your imagination.)

 

Kieran Murphy Is it okay that i’m wearing my Wednesday day of the week socks on a Friday?

(I defy convention, I’m a sock maverick.)

 

Kieran Murphy “They mostly come at night. Mostly”

(I love Aliens.  So very much)

 

Kieran Murphy does know the differnce between right and wrong – that doesn’t mean he cares however………..

(I do care.  I was just trying to be cool.)

 

Kieran Murphy is the only real person in the world. I just imagined you all so i don’t get bored.

(And it would be boring without you.)

 

Kieran Murphy is not rude – he just finds it painfully difficult to fake an interest in your opinion. Try and be less dull in future.

(I can’t stand dull people, there’s no excuse for it.  Everyone should be forced to develop basic conversational skills)

 

 

 

October 2009

Kieran Murphy is overloaded with charisma. It is a severe burden.

(It is, but luckily I have broad shoulders.  Metaphorically, not physically.)

 

Kieran Murphy thinks if you’re struggling to count how many people are in a round and it’s only four you should probably have headed home a long time earlier

(Sound advice.)

 

Kieran Murphy talks a great deal, not every sentence can be a winner. But most are.

(Something to remember when in conversation with me.  You may have to wade through a lot of shit to get to the good stuff.)

 

Kieran Murphy is just like cyndi lauper cause he can see your true colours. And they’re beautiful.

(They truly are.)

 

Kieran Murphy just broke another guitar hero guitar – must be cause i rock so damn hard!

(Or maybe just because I sat on it)

 

Kieran Murphy just watched zombieland and it’s an awesome movie

(You damn right it is)

 

Kieran Murphy really wants superpowers – anyone know of a top secret gamma ray experiment i can accidentally stumble into or any radioactive animals i can provoke into biting me? Or perhaps even just some mysterious spiritual mentor who can help me unleash my inner potential?

(It’s tough when your ambitions go unfulfilled)

 

Kieran Murphy loves that asda’s penguin rip off biscuits are called puffins

(Come on, it’s pretty funny.)

 

Kieran Murphy is sharing a bottle of champagne with mace

(Cause that’s how we roll)

 

Kieran Murphy is considering quitting his job and renting himself out as a hired gun at pub quizs because he is awesome

(Wouldn’t have been a good career move.)

 

Kieran Murphy would probably benefit from a slightly firmer grip on reality…………..

(Or alternatively that could make me very dull)

 

Kieran Murphy loves it when people randomly turn up on your doorstep and give you beer – it happens to me because i’m awesome

(Well, it happened once…..)

 

Kieran Murphy feels awesome!!!!

(And still does)

 

Kieran Murphy is well ripped – 12 stone of muscle packed onto a ten stone frame. Fear me GRRRRRRRRRR

(That would probably have included a large belly musce and several chin muscles ……)

 

Kieran Murphy love me, love my holographic spiderman poster

(Strangely girl’s don’t seem to)

 

Kieran Murphy thank you binmen for my wake up call, really appreciate you knocking on my door to ask me if i own a red peugeot 206. NO I DON’T!! And you got to see me shirtless – i feel like such a slut

(At least I had my pants on….)

 

Kieran Murphy is not sure the 5 bad ass points he won are worth the burn on his inner arm

(Burning my inner arm with a red hot lighter on a dare.  I still have the scar.  Idiot.)

 

Kieran Murphy is a man who needs no introduction…..

(except to people I don’t know)

 

Kieran Murphy is not selfish, he just only does what he wants to do – it’s called prioritising!

(I might actually be a little selfish on occasion)

 

Kieran Murphy is clinically proven to be a 100% life enriching experience

(This is medical fact.)

 

Kieran Murphy facebook is telling me to become a fan of cheryl cole but i don’t go with the crowd. Sorry

(I’m so cool.  Not like the rest of you sheep.)

 

Kieran Murphy judging by today i may have finally developed the ability to resist a hangover – does this count as a superpower?

(Clutching at straws I think)

 

Kieran Murphy was highly disturbed to find milk in the fridge that had been in there so long that it was halfway to turning to cheese. I’m glad i use the skimmed now.

(When three men share a house……)

 

Kieran Murphy wonders why his eyes are always closed in every photo ever taken of him? Is it tiredness, fear or perhaps some strange ability to actually see through my eyelids?!?

(I’ve learnt to accept that that’s actually just the way I look….)

 

Kieran Murphy is only half an hour late and given that i’m worth waiting at least an hour for then its actually like i’m half an hour early.

(Pure drivel.)

Collected Facebook Statuses Part One

Well, a few people have requested something like this and as I haven’t had an original thought in a while I thought it might make for a good project to start me writing again.  It’s a pretty undemanding quick read.  I’ve added in some thoughts or explanations where required.  This part covers from February 2009 when I joined Facebook up to July 2009 which is probably about when I started to post more frequently.  They aren’t all winners but some of them brought back fun memories.

February 2009

Kieran Murphy is still the undefeated hardcore champion of 45 oaklands

(This one may require some explanation, when I shared a house with Shaggy and Hoops I constructed a wrestling title out of a belt and a lot of tin foil and proclaimed myself hardcore champion and willing to take on all challengers.  Things got pretty violent sometimes but boys will be boys)

Kieran Murphy is glad he’s caught up with his laundry cause this is not a good week to go commando

(It was snowing.  I’ve also noticed that I post about laundry a lot, some kind of latent obsession perhaps…?)

Kieran Murphy can’t believe someone described him as a child today. He is in fact an infant

(I do seem to find myself having to defend my maturity an awful lot – perhaps I should take it on board)

Kieran Murphy has accepted that he will probably never have superpowers

(This is a lie.  I will never accept that I can’t have superpowers.)

Kieran Murphy still can’t believe beer lollies didn’t work and really should clear the broken glass from the patio

(I thought that if I froze a bottle of beer and then smashed it against the wall leaving the contents intact I would be able to have a beer lolly.  This doesn’t work but does make a spectacular mess)

Kieran Murphy is sat in hoop’s car listening to freebird very loud!

(I don’t have to justify this, Freebird is awesome.  Not sure I can justify hanging out with Hoops though……)

Kieran Murphy murdered professor plum with the candlestick in the billiards room

(Never been prosecuted though)

Kieran Murphy reeks of awesomeness

(Yeah, that’s what that smell is)

 

March 2009

Kieran Murphy is celebrating jon bon jovi’s birthday by listening to wanted dead or alive very very loud!

(And why not?)

Kieran Murphy is a gifted individual

(I still stand by this.  Alone, probably….)

Kieran Murphy requires a nemesis. Serious applicants only – no time wasters!

(Well, every story requires a villain cause I’m clearly the hero.)

Kieran Murphy is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in an enigma

(Not really, I’m pretty straightforward actually)

Kieran Murphy can’t believe that Test is dead. If billy gunn is next i worry for dave’s sanity

(Test was a (bad) wrestler.  Dave loved him.  No further explanation is required.)

Kieran Murphy wants to live in a city that was actually built on rock and roll

(‘We Build This City’ is an awesome song. I still stand by this sentiment and I’m pretty certain Bideford wasn’t built on rock and roll, more like excrement and discarded syringes….)

Kieran Murphy feels like peter ridsdales buyers remorse

(This was the day after my birthday and I was very, very hungover.  Peter Ridsdale is a financial incompetent who has run several football clubs into the ground.  I felt like poo essentially, but I was trying to be clever.  I’m not sure it makes sense even now)

Kieran Murphy is never drinking again. Ever. Probably.

(This did not happen)

 

April 2009

Kieran Murphy Thinks being this ill is a real waste of 4 days off. So very unimpressed

(Yeah I’m something of a baby)

Kieran Murphy does not recommend going to see Fast and Furious – unless Max Power is like Playboy to you……

(Yeah, I don’t get turned on by cars.  At all)

 

May 2009

Kieran Murphy is something else completely

(I don’t expect many people will dispute this.)

Kieran Murphy just saw star trek and it was awesome

(It was, and I haven’t changed my mind on any of the subsequent 10 viewings either …..)

Kieran Murphy doesn’t want to have to wait till next year for more Lost

(If only I could have foreseen just how much the ending of Lost would suck.  I guess hindsight really is 20/20)

Kieran Murphy Yes shaggy. Messi is definitely not a big game player

(Ridiculing the famous last words from my favourite idiot and Man Utd fan who claimed that Leo Messi wasn’t a big game player just before he tore United to pieces in the Champion’s League final.  There’s nothing like rubbing your friend’s ridiculous statements in their faces.)

Kieran Murphy has rocked the shit out of guitar hero metallica!!!!

(I totally did)

 

June 2009

Kieran Murphy is most assuredly up to something

(I usually am)

Kieran Murphy has the worst papercut. Thats the last time i bother reading my post.

(Warning:  Not reading your post may lead to you hopelessly screwing up your financial affairs.)

Kieran Murphy is an untapped resource

(Maybe, but of what?)

Kieran Murphy eliminated all six people on the opposition team in one game of paintball. He is BORN TO WAR

(I may never recapture that feeling of triumph)

Kieran Murphy is a sweet talking sugar coated candyman

(and a loser who quotes Christina Aguilera apparently)

Kieran Murphy is a natural

(I honestly don’t know what this is but I’d hazard a guess that I was drunk and didn’t complete the sentence here)

Kieran Murphy is looking forwards to Aqualung & seeing his little sister tomorrow

(And it was great)

Kieran Murphy had a couple hours to kill in bristol and so just watched the hangover. Awesome movie!!

(Just don’t bother watching it a second time cause without the mystery aspect it’s pants)

Kieran Murphy is a trained professional

(Allegedly….)

Kieran Murphy loves a good sandwich mmm

(Well I do but I have no idea why I thought this was worth sharing)

 

July 2009

Kieran Murphy wishes he was a jukebox hero

(I will forever love 80’s rock.  Jukebox Hero by Foreigner is the song I’m referencing)

Kieran Murphy is not the droid you’re looking for……

(Star Wars fans will get this.  If you don’t like Star Wars you probably don’t like me)

Kieran Murphy can’t believe some poor lost souls out there don’t understand the immense cultural value of 80′s rock. Losers.

(I pity those people)

Kieran Murphy model citizen, zero discipline

(Quoting Van Halen cause I’m clearly up to date with music trends…)

Kieran Murphy thinks hooper should do some dishes before he meets with an unfortunate accident

(I very much doubt he did, but then there may be an aspect of the pot calling the kettle black here…)

Kieran Murphy is doing his laundry this afternoon as he’s realised that buying new clothes every time he needs clean ones may not be a sustainable policy

(I’m right.  It only works till you run out of money.)

Kieran Murphy is impressed that his thinly veiled threats to hooper resulted in me coming home from work this morning to find him up to his elbows in dishes. Perhaps I should attempt to be menacing more often………… =-]

(Wow, guess I was wrong.  Go Hoops)

Kieran Murphy is gonna go back to sleep and hope he feels less of a bell end when he wakes up again

(Post night out shame.  God knows what I did but I’m sure it wasn’t something to be proud of)

Kieran Murphy is listening to the buffseeds and thinks ‘sparkle me’ is the best melancholy song ever. Download it.

(It is a frighteningly beautiful song.)

Kieran Murphy would like to apologise to anyone who saw him last night and was expecting sensible conversation and civilized behaviour. If you wanted the company of a drooling idiot who couldn’t complete a sentence however then you’re welcome.

(When you know you have to apologise but aren’t sure what for exactly you probably have a problem)

Kieran Murphy can’t believe shaggy has cancelled our regularly scheduled man date tonight! Whats a boy to do when his number one guy stands him up?

(What can I say?  He’s the Pinky to my Brain)

Kieran Murphy thinks it would be awesome if every time he walked into a room ‘Panama’ by Van Halen played

(80’s rock obsession rears it’s ugly head again)

Kieran Murphy thinks trifle sponges are the most underrated food item ever

(They are brilliant, particularly with squirty cream)

Kieran Murphy would like to warn everyone that he intends to be very drunk tonight and that this will very likely result in the emergence of some of his less attractive character traits. Uh oh.

(This almost certainly happened)

Kieran Murphy thinks it may be time to do some laundry as he’s down to one pair of jeans he’s worn several days on the bounce, a couple formal shirts that need ironing and a wife beater vest he does not have the physique for!

Kieran Murphy is totally doing his laundry tomorrow so he should look better. That doesn’t mean he’ll be well dressed – it just means he won’t be wearing a wifebeater!!

(Laundry obsession)

Kieran Murphy is feeling a little guilty that he is almost a week into his holiday and is yet to do anything which could be remotely considered as constructive

(Because I’m very, very lazy)

Kieran Murphy is disappointed that sky have cut us off but so so thankful that we can still get zone horror =-]

(Because I just love films with taglines like “They’ll eat your face off” or “They thought they’d killed him.  But now he’s back”)

Kieran Murphy you know you need a life when the wet patch in your bed is ribena

(Still holds true I think)

Kieran Murphy wishes he had an umbrella or at least a better sense of timing

(Getting rained on isn’t fun)

Kieran Murphy would like to say farewell to Gilberto, the man who conclusively proved that being brazilian doesn’t necessarily make you a good footballer.

(He truly sucked)

Kieran Murphy is staying in tonight. Take that bideford!

(I didn’t, I should have)

Kieran Murphy may be past the point where optimism equals stupidity……

(That is often the case)

Kieran Murphy is trying to like fruit but failing miserably

(Yeah, fruit is rubbish.  My mum reckons I used to like bananas when I was little but I think that’s just propaganda)

Kieran Murphy is an adult and should be able to eat cereal without getting sugary milk all down his front. In theory anyway…….

(Hopeless I know)

Kieran Murphy has woken up with grazed palms, skinned knees and the vague feeling that he’s been a bell end. At least i’ve learnt that drinking red wine from a pint glass is neither sensible or impressive

(And I’ve never done it since so some lessons actually do stick….)

How Not To Talk To Girls

I think it would be fair to say that despite being a charming, articulate and all round awesome sort of individual my mouth sometimes gets the better of me, particularly when engaging in conversation with members of the opposite sex. It’s not that I don’t know the right thing to say, it’s just that I can always think of something that (in my head at least) is far funnier, and can’t resist using that option instead. This would be all very well if my life was a situation comedy, but in moments where a little more tact is required it can be something of a hindrance. As a charitable sort of fellow though, I feel honour bound to at least attempt to pass on some of the benefits of my experience so that any aspiring Romeos have the opportunity to avoid some of the pitfalls I have encountered. Now, I’m not going to claim that I have all the right answers, in fact I’m not even going to claim that I have any of the right answers, I will claim, however, that I have an awful lot of the wrong answers. By making you aware of these kamikaze conversational errors I hope you can use some sort of process of elimination to navigate yourself away from the disasters that I regularly inflict on myself.

Now all us guys know that we are in general awful, sick excuses for human beings and that the contents of our warped twisted minds would disgust any and all women we come in contact with. However, girls don’t want to know this, they’re in complete denial about how unpleasant and devious we are. No right thinking woman would be able to love or even generate any vague affection for any man if she truly knew what was going on in his head. For them in this instance, ignorance truly is bliss . That’s why sometimes we are required to be flexible with the truth. This leads to a first basic rule, when a girl, any girl whatever your relationship to her, asks “What are you thinking?” DO NOT, under any circumstances tell her what you actually are thinking. Unless it’s some sort of inoffensive thought about cuddly small animals or some vomit inducing romantic platitude about your ‘relationship’ then she really doesn’t want to know.

So here we go with my list of things you really shouldn’t say to girls (even when they sound really funny in your head) because they will inevitably result in some sort of physical violence, emotional distress or otherwise dire consequences for you. Now some of this will seem pretty ridiculous and exaggerated, but anyone who knows me well knows that I’m more than capable of spouting this kind of crap on the spur of the moment. I can assure you that every one of these is an actual exchange from my own experience, and I can also guarantee that each one resulted, at the bare minimum, in a swift exit for the lady involved (sometimes just an exit from my immediate vicinity, others a complete exit from my life).

Are you ready? You may learn something (though only if my being a complete moron is news to you).

We’ll start small. When a girl asks you “are you lying to me?”, she probably wants you to say something like “Of course not darling.”. It is, apparently, NOT funny to respond with “Well, how else am I supposed to impress you?”.

Honesty is not a good idea though either. Or at least not on every occasion. When you bump into an ex-partner you have to be extremely careful regarding what you say to them. Even if a lot of time has passed it’s very easy to reopen old wounds, particularly if, like me, you’re the sort of person who regards thinking as optional before speaking. Always tell them “You look well”, but don’t go into any more detail than that. Anything more substantial that that friendly generalisation will see you quickly dragged into the minefield of a conversation about her personal appearance. You will never emerge from here as anything but the bad guy. Whether it’s her hair, weight, clothing or anything else, you don’t want to find yourself offering anything but the vaguest, most unspecific opinions. I ignored this basic rule on a couple of occasions and consequently have managed to massively upset a couple of inoffensive girls whose only real crime was at one time having so little self respect that they were actually willing to sleep with me! (The fools!)

The first was possibly the one I’m most ashamed of, because I was actually stone cold sober when I bumped into her. I told her she was looking well, though if I’m honest she was actually a little larger in dimensions than I remembered her. This prompted her to ask me “Thanks, but don’t you think I’ve put on some weight?”. Sadly, rather than demonstrating the presence of mind to steer the conversation away from this weight gain hornet’s nest by mentioning Katie Price, Sex And The City, cushions, ridiculously small ugly dogs or one of the other pointless things that seem to excite girls I proceeded to get sucked into this thorny subject. “Well,” I told her “It’s not irretrievable.” Ignoring the frown that was spreading across her chubby face I forged on, “You could easily pull it back. It can only be a stone, two stone max.” Before I could expound further on the benefits of exercise and healthy eating though she had told me “You really are a t**t Kieran” and lumbered off, presumably in search of a bar of Galaxy or something to cheer herself up. On reflection I was forced to agree with her succinct assessment of me, that was an extremely t**tish thing to say.

　

The other is mitigated slightly by the fact that I had consumed a respectable amount of alcohol before a chance encounter with a girl I’d dated briefly a couple years earlier. Before she’d even had the chance to say hello I’d somehow found myself fascinated by her quite disturbing set of teeth and thought it was entirely reasonable to enquire of her “Did your teeth look like that when we were going out?”. Now, this was rude for two reasons. One, she almost certainly did have teeth like that when we were dating but I had totally ignored it because she was part of that small but important proportion of the female population who were prepared to tolerate my rubbish efforts at being a boyfriend. And two, it’s just not nice to point out people’s physical flaws without any provocation (I’m sure if she had been inclined to respond in kind I’d have fled sobbing). My total lack of manners earned me a well deserved and decidedly unfeminine punch in the stomach on this occasion.

Shorts

It IS NOT a foolproof seduction technique to ask a girl if she wants to see your Star Wars Lego, no matter how proud you are of your Millennium Falcon and squadron of TIE Fighters. This IS a very good way of scaring off a sure thing.

It IS, however, acceptable to tell a girl, who against all reason and logic you have actually lured back to your place that if she doesn’t like your holographic Spiderman poster she is a timewaster and should just leave.

It IS advisable to ask the stunning Russian girl who you have inexplicably picked up in a bar in Tallinn if she is a sex worker because believe me, if it’s an awkward subject to broach now, it’s an even more awkward one in your hotel room later.

If a girl is trying to break up with you, it IS NOT funny to start repeating what she says. For example:

Her: “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to carry on seeing each other.”

You: “No, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to carry on seeing each other”

Her: “You’re being childish.”

You: “No, you’re being childish.”

This could carry on for some time but she’s right, it doesn’t reflect well on your maturity.

The poor girl working the nightshift in the hotel reception will not be impressed by your note perfect rendition of “You’re Beautiful” performed in your underpants even if they are pristine Calvin Kleins. In fact, looking back, you will probably be grateful she doesn’t call security.

When your girlfriend finishes with you because of some instance of moronic behaviour on your part and asks what you have to say, launching into the chorus of Barry Manilow’s ‘Let’s Hang On’ is only going to reinforce her conviction that you are an idiot and she’s making the only sensible decision.

When a close female friend (yes I do have them, probably not for much longer after they read this though) tells you they think that their new boyfriend is boring or inadequate in some way or other, they probably want a constructive opinion, rather than some self promoting crap like “you’re probably just comparing him to me”.

If asked whether you are single it IS NOT charming in the slightest to begin with “Well I know it’s hard to believe but actually yes……”.

When you are asked “Where is this relationship going?” (And you will be), it IS NOT appropriate to respond with a geographical location such as the cinema, McDonalds, or the men’s toilets in the Patch and Parrot.

If I was to really trawl through my memory banks then I’m sure I could come up with plenty of similar examples of stupid, childish or downright obnoxious behaviour from myself but I think there’s more than enough here to cement me as a prize idiot so why bother? The point of this is not to further lower people’s opinions of me, but to pinpoint some of the most critical conversational mistakes I have made in the hope that future generations can avoid them. I can’t guarantee that you’ll be a success if you do this but I can guarantee that if you repeat my screw ups then clearly you’re as much of a dumbass as I am!

　

　

　

　

　

　

Disclaimer: This is not an entirely serious article. I have the utmost respect for the female sex and indeed hope very much that I’ll find one who will tolerate me eventually. Most of the above did happen though.

Probably Longer Than 20 Minutes Twilight

My 20 Minute Twilight Idea has somehow grown into a monster and is going to be significantly larger than expected so I’m splitting it into two parts. There’s just SOOO much thrilling stuff going on in the movie that I needed longer to do it justice. Part one, however, is ready so enjoy.

Twilight

A Story Of Timeless Love (Apparently)

 

Bella, despite living in sunny Arizona is exceptionally pale, she is also very serious and doesn’t smile a great deal. Due to her mother no doubt being sick of her moping around the house like some sort of remorseless joy vacuum she is sent to live with her father in some dreary village where he is the Sheriff.

Bella: “I don’t like living here although I guess it is strangely appropriate that the gloomy weather seems to complement my continuously gloomy mood.”

Bella’s Dad: “As your estranged father I find it difficult to connect with you and really serve very little purpose in this film. I did get you this sweet ride though so that’s something right?”

Bella: (mumbles) “Thanks, I’ve always pictured myself behind the wheel of a rusty pick-up – it just seems so right.”

Bella’s sweet ride has been pimped by Jacob, he is just the first of many boys who develop an inexplicable attraction to the permanently sulky Bella. He has atrocious hair but we’ll forgive that cause he smiles LOTS.

Jacob: “Hey Bella, I know I may not look like much now but after some intense abs sessions in the gym and a decent haircut I may just surprise you.”

Bella: “Why do you smile so damn much?”

Jacob: “I think it’s a very subtle cinematic way to show I’m an all round good sort of guy.”

Despite Bella’s physical inability to smile, they form a firm friendship, which is demonstrated by them talking about 3 times during the rest of the movie.

Bella causes quite a stir at high school where the arrival of any new student, no matter how unexciting they may be, is an event. She befriends a selection of underdeveloped stereotypes.

Girl 1: “Hi Bella, I talk lots and am kind of vacuous, I think I’m supposed to be some sort of cheerleader or something! We should SO be friends”

Girl 2: “Hey! I wear glasses and must therefore be pretty smart and not very confident with boys. Can we be friends?”

High School Guys: “Wow Bella, you’re so different to all those other girls. They smile and talk to us and encourage our interest like losers. We’re all gonna develop a crush on you instead!”

Enter the Cullens, an assortment of skinny goth types who in most normal high schools would find themselves shunned. Here, however, they are considered cool and mysterious, probably because they walk through the cafeteria in slow motion while dramatic music plays.

Bella: “Who are they? And especially who is that pasty intense looking guy at the back with the panda eyes?”

Girl 1: “They’re the Cullens, they live out in the woods and are conveniently all paired off with each other. Except that is for Edward, no girl is good enough for him. How could they be? See how beautiful and smouldering he is?”

Bella finds herself partnered up with Edward in biology class. He seems strangely discomfited by this, looking alternately constipated and enraged (Incidentally, Two of Robert Pattinson’s three expressions. The other is frowning confusedly, you’ll see plenty of that later).

Bella: “He’s so beautiful, why won’t he talk to me? I must confront him in my unique sulky way because I find myself strangely drawn to him.”

Bella lingers outside the school day after day while Edward and his goth chums play hooky. She looks sad, though no more sad than she has seemed for the entire duration of the movie. However, one day Edward approaches her, he is, incidentally, very beautiful.

Edward: (Grinning in a way which just comes off as sinister in combination with that whole emo vibe he has going) “Hey Bella, I’m Edward, I’m very much in love with you, in fact I think we’re soul mates.”

Bella: “Even though these are the first words we’ve exchanged I feel it too. Wow, look at your cheekbones!”

(This is a very accurate representation of how people actually fall in love. It really is that easy. If this doesn’t happen to you then you are clearly some kind of hopeless loser who is doomed to die alone. Sorry, but it’s better you realise this now. I’m being cruel to be kind, honest.)

Suddenly and dramatically, Bella is almost run over by one of her classmates. Apparently this is an accident, though I have my suspicions. Day after day of seeing her sullenly pouting would certainly push me in the direction of attempted vehicular homicide. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on your point of view), Edward is on hand and somehow manages to save her, demonstrating immense speed, strength and absolutely inhuman handsomeness.

Bella: “You saved me!! But how?”

Edward: (Makes big panda eyes) “Don’t ask me, don’t ever ask me!”

Bella: (sulks)

Edward: “Fine. Be like that, I did just save your life you know!”

Bella: (continues sulking)

Edward: “Screw this. I guess we just shouldn’t be together.”

Bella: (you got it, still sulking)

Interlude: Cut to a trio of vampires actually behaving like vampires should, savagely tearing apart some disposable cast member. This is mildly entertaining in comparison with what has preceded it. They are clearly evil cause not only do they kill him, they really look like they are having way more fun than anyone else in the film. By this point I’m pretty jealous of them and wish that I could be doing something I’d enjoy (possibly eviscerating everyone associated with this film).

　

Bella becomes obsessed with finding out how Edward could have saved her. She reads lots of books and goes on numerous websites, then she goes to a spooky looking bookstore and reads some more books. This is because she is smart. Though not smart enough to avoid walking dangerous streets alone at night. On the way back from the bookstore she finds herself surrounded by some rowdy looking guys who are clearly UP TO NO GOOD.

Rowdy Looking Guys: “Hey girly, you’re pretty!”

Bella: “No, leave me alone!! Help me someone, please. Preferably someone with sculpted cheekbones and an awesome ride.”

Edward comes screeching up in some flashy looking car (sorry I don’t do cars – I think it might have been silver maybe, I dunno) and leaps out, making quick work of running the rowdy guys off.

Bella: “Wow, you’re very intimidating for a pretty boy! Just look at the fire in those gorgeous eyes of yours!”

Edward: “We need to get away from here, before I do something interesting to those guys. We absolutely cannot have anything interesting happen in this movie or we’ll lose our PG certificate!”

Bella: “You saved me again. Wait a minute, how did you get here so fast”

Edward: (shuffling uncomfortably) “I totally wasn’t following you around or anything cause that would be totally weird. I just sensed you were in danger cause I could read those guys’ minds.”

Bella: (absolutely unconcerned by this, which is odd considering most nearly everything sends her into a bad mood) “You can read minds?”

Edward: “Everyone’s except yours. That’s why I love you. You’re a sulky little mystery to me.”

(Okay, that’s where part one of my Probably Longer Than 20 Minutes Twilight ends, the second half will appear when I can be bothered.)

Next Article

Okay everyone, I’ve currently got several things on the go but can’t seem to force myself to concentrate on any one in particular.   I was hoping you could help me decide by letting me know what you’d most like to see.

The options are:

1) One Night In Tallinn – The (mostly) true story of one man’s terrifying encounter with the seedier side of an Eastern European capital.

2)  Twilight In Twenty Minutes – I’ve watched it so that you don’t have to, and believe me you SHOULD be grateful.

or

3) The first chapter of my as yet untitled attempt to cash in on the popularity of the teen supernatural romance novel.

So, if you wanna see any of these let me know on here or through my facebook page and i’ll crack on with it.  Thanks.

Becoming A Superhero Part 1 – Developing Your Powers

If you’re anything like me (admittedly, not many people are) then you’ve always been desperate to develop superpowers. Whether you’ve wanted to bring your own unique brand of vigilante justice to the crime-ridden city streets or to stand as a lone bastion of decency and truth in a corrupt world, or even if you’ve simply just wanted a job where you can run through a crowded town centre in a garish costume shouting “Reveal yourself Doctor Invisible!!!!” and not be sectioned, then superheroism is the right life choice for you.

The trouble is, that this is a very difficult industry to break into. Unless you’re the last son of a dead planet whose alien physiology grants him seemingly superhuman powers or perhaps a billionaire industrialist driven by the vicious murder of his parents then it’s gonna be very tough to achieve that coveted Justice League membership. That doesn’t mean give up though, it just means that without these significant natural advantages you’re going to need to be a little smarter.

To help you in your quest I have performed exhaustive research on the subject, forcing myself to wade through numerous comic back issues and watch every episode of Smallville as well as every significant superhero movie of the past twenty years. This hard and time consuming work has left me a sad, pathetic shell of a man who looks like he has not been outdoors in a decade, but it has also enabled me to produce this invaluable guide to becoming a superhero. This, my life’s work, is my gift to the world, use it wisely.

Developing Your Gift

There are, I have discovered, numerous ways to achieve superpowers. If you haven’t been fortunate enough to stumble across one of these yet in the course of your everyday life don’t worry because here I will describe them all. After reading through this article I can guarantee that you will be able to identify the route to superheroism that is right for you!

Exposure to Hazardous Materials – Back in the so called ‘Golden Age’ of superheroics developing your own superpowers was pretty easy. There was a leaking nuclear reactor or a dangerous chemical spill in practically every decent sized town and your chances of stumbling across one and unwittingly gaining superhuman abilities was pretty high. Sadly, these days this simply isn’t the case, governments and corporations concerned for our ‘safety’ are far less careless with how they dispose of dangerous substances and radioactive materials. This doesn’t mean you cannot achieve success through this method, just that you will have to venture far off the beaten track to find the right opportunity. For example I went on a school trip to Hinkley Point nuclear power station some time ago but although I patiently waited for my new gifts to spontaneously develop I was left disappointed. I don’t give up easily though and am considering a holiday to Chernobyl in the near future.

Genetic Engineering – Better news is that science has moved on since then, why take the potential health associated gambles of exposing yourself to massive doses of radiation or highly toxic chemicals when the science of genetics could achieve the same effects but at a far lower potential risk? All you need to do is find a friendly Mad Scientist who is willing to experiment on human subjects and you could find yourself part of the next generation of super soldiers. It is worth noting however that you need to be relatively careful in your selection of Mad Scientist, you want someone who is prepared to push the boundaries of science to their limit but you don’t want someone who is completely insane and could graft a cantaloupe where your head should be or replace your arms with a dolphin’s flippers. You want to be the next Captain America, not part of a carnival freak show!

Bombardment With Cosmic Rays – Cosmic rays generally give the best superpowers, leaving you with the untamed energies of the cosmos coursing through your very being. Unfortunately, being struck by cosmic rays is very much a case of being in the right place at the right time. They could hit when you’re on a lonely trek through secluded woodlands or they could hit when you’re conducting an experiment with uncontrollable forces in space (this is more likely). If you want to be struck by cosmic rays then you need to make sure you’re somewhere nearby every time a meteor shower or comet passes by, perhaps holding something large and metallic to draw the energies towards you. Even so, this one is a long shot and you should perhaps combine it with pursuing other avenues towards your goal.

Being Bitten By A Radioactive Animal – This one’s pretty famous and proven to be effective. You can also extrapolate the nature of the powers you may gain from the identity of the animal that bites you. For example, a relatively well known individual who received a radioactive spider bite developed the proportional strength and reflexes of a spider, that’s pretty cool right? You do need to be careful in your selection of animal however. Get bitten by a radioactive penguin for example and you will just become a waddling laughing stock who none of your fellow superheroes are going to take seriously. If you somehow induce a radioactive sloth to attack you, you will probably lose all motivation to fight crime as well as the ability to respond rapidly to emergency situations. Some which may seem a good idea at first thought are equally bad though, get bitten by a radioactive lion and you’ll develop leonine strength and ferocity right? Wrong, I knew a potential hero who attempted this only to find that the lion wasn’t prepared to stop after one bite. A sad end to a promising career I think you’ll agree.

Becoming A Master Of Mystic Forces – Mastery of mystic forces beyond the comprehension of man is the route to go down for those of you who aren’t willing to chance the potential health risks of altering your own physiology. What you have to understand though, is that the previously listed options only risk your body, this could cost you your very soul!!! If you are determined to go down this road then you will need to find an isolated temple of warrior monks or perhaps the hidden domain of an all powerful sorcerer. If you can convince them that your heart is pure and you will use your powers only for good then they may teach you the mysteries of arcane forces that give you an immense edge when fighting evildoers. The downside of this is that you will often be called upon to defend this very plane of existence from assorted demons, devils and hell fiends due to your new powers and the responsibilities that accompany them. These guys don’t work to anyone else’s timetable and they don’t take days off, meaning you may often be too exhausted to take on your more everyday criminals.

Making A Deal With The Devil – I wouldn’t recommend this. It’s very hard to stand for truth and justice when Lucifer has got his grubby hands on your soul.

Cybernetic Implants – Let’s be honest, everyone would love a robot hand that could crush steel in it’s very grip, right? Or how about an infra red eye that can see round corners? If you find yourself in a hideously disfiguring accident after which Doctors can only save you by grafting cutting edge military technology onto your shattered body then you could have these awesome upgrades along with many others. However it is worth noting that you could also just end up spending the rest of your days in a hospital bed fondly remembering the days when you had all your limbs and eating through a straw.

Wishing Very Hard – Don’t be ridiculous.

As you can see there are myriad opportunities for the aspiring superhero to gain the powers he or she needs to fight villainy and strike fear into the hearts of evildoers. If you pursue these paths with dedication and just the right amount of caution then perhaps you can become the hero your town/city/country so desperately needs. Good luck, and I’ll see you next time with my guide to the various superpowers that you could henceforth have access to.　

　

　

　

　

　

　

Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible for anyone vaporized, consumed by animals, toxically poisoned, hideously disfigured, mutilated, mutated, torn apart by mystic forces beyond the comprehension of man, developing radiation poisoning or losing their souls to the Devil as a consequence of following the advice in this article.