I think it would be fair to say that despite being a charming, articulate and all round awesome sort of individual my mouth sometimes gets the better of me, particularly when engaging in conversation with members of the opposite sex. It’s not that I don’t know the right thing to say, it’s just that I can always think of something that (in my head at least) is far funnier, and can’t resist using that option instead. This would be all very well if my life was a situation comedy, but in moments where a little more tact is required it can be something of a hindrance. As a charitable sort of fellow though, I feel honour bound to at least attempt to pass on some of the benefits of my experience so that any aspiring Romeos have the opportunity to avoid some of the pitfalls I have encountered. Now, I’m not going to claim that I have all the right answers, in fact I’m not even going to claim that I have any of the right answers, I will claim, however, that I have an awful lot of the wrong answers. By making you aware of these kamikaze conversational errors I hope you can use some sort of process of elimination to navigate yourself away from the disasters that I regularly inflict on myself.
Now all us guys know that we are in general awful, sick excuses for human beings and that the contents of our warped twisted minds would disgust any and all women we come in contact with. However, girls don’t want to know this, they’re in complete denial about how unpleasant and devious we are. No right thinking woman would be able to love or even generate any vague affection for any man if she truly knew what was going on in his head. For them in this instance, ignorance truly is bliss . That’s why sometimes we are required to be flexible with the truth. This leads to a first basic rule, when a girl, any girl whatever your relationship to her, asks “What are you thinking?” DO NOT, under any circumstances tell her what you actually are thinking. Unless it’s some sort of inoffensive thought about cuddly small animals or some vomit inducing romantic platitude about your ‘relationship’ then she really doesn’t want to know.
So here we go with my list of things you really shouldn’t say to girls (even when they sound really funny in your head) because they will inevitably result in some sort of physical violence, emotional distress or otherwise dire consequences for you. Now some of this will seem pretty ridiculous and exaggerated, but anyone who knows me well knows that I’m more than capable of spouting this kind of crap on the spur of the moment. I can assure you that every one of these is an actual exchange from my own experience, and I can also guarantee that each one resulted, at the bare minimum, in a swift exit for the lady involved (sometimes just an exit from my immediate vicinity, others a complete exit from my life).
Are you ready? You may learn something (though only if my being a complete moron is news to you).
We’ll start small. When a girl asks you “are you lying to me?”, she probably wants you to say something like “Of course not darling.”. It is, apparently, NOT funny to respond with “Well, how else am I supposed to impress you?”.
Honesty is not a good idea though either. Or at least not on every occasion. When you bump into an ex-partner you have to be extremely careful regarding what you say to them. Even if a lot of time has passed it’s very easy to reopen old wounds, particularly if, like me, you’re the sort of person who regards thinking as optional before speaking. Always tell them “You look well”, but don’t go into any more detail than that. Anything more substantial that that friendly generalisation will see you quickly dragged into the minefield of a conversation about her personal appearance. You will never emerge from here as anything but the bad guy. Whether it’s her hair, weight, clothing or anything else, you don’t want to find yourself offering anything but the vaguest, most unspecific opinions. I ignored this basic rule on a couple of occasions and consequently have managed to massively upset a couple of inoffensive girls whose only real crime was at one time having so little self respect that they were actually willing to sleep with me! (The fools!)
The first was possibly the one I’m most ashamed of, because I was actually stone cold sober when I bumped into her. I told her she was looking well, though if I’m honest she was actually a little larger in dimensions than I remembered her. This prompted her to ask me “Thanks, but don’t you think I’ve put on some weight?”. Sadly, rather than demonstrating the presence of mind to steer the conversation away from this weight gain hornet’s nest by mentioning Katie Price, Sex And The City, cushions, ridiculously small ugly dogs or one of the other pointless things that seem to excite girls I proceeded to get sucked into this thorny subject. “Well,” I told her “It’s not irretrievable.” Ignoring the frown that was spreading across her chubby face I forged on, “You could easily pull it back. It can only be a stone, two stone max.” Before I could expound further on the benefits of exercise and healthy eating though she had told me “You really are a t**t Kieran” and lumbered off, presumably in search of a bar of Galaxy or something to cheer herself up. On reflection I was forced to agree with her succinct assessment of me, that was an extremely t**tish thing to say.
The other is mitigated slightly by the fact that I had consumed a respectable amount of alcohol before a chance encounter with a girl I’d dated briefly a couple years earlier. Before she’d even had the chance to say hello I’d somehow found myself fascinated by her quite disturbing set of teeth and thought it was entirely reasonable to enquire of her “Did your teeth look like that when we were going out?”. Now, this was rude for two reasons. One, she almost certainly did have teeth like that when we were dating but I had totally ignored it because she was part of that small but important proportion of the female population who were prepared to tolerate my rubbish efforts at being a boyfriend. And two, it’s just not nice to point out people’s physical flaws without any provocation (I’m sure if she had been inclined to respond in kind I’d have fled sobbing). My total lack of manners earned me a well deserved and decidedly unfeminine punch in the stomach on this occasion.
Shorts
It IS NOT a foolproof seduction technique to ask a girl if she wants to see your Star Wars Lego, no matter how proud you are of your Millennium Falcon and squadron of TIE Fighters. This IS a very good way of scaring off a sure thing.
It IS, however, acceptable to tell a girl, who against all reason and logic you have actually lured back to your place that if she doesn’t like your holographic Spiderman poster she is a timewaster and should just leave.
It IS advisable to ask the stunning Russian girl who you have inexplicably picked up in a bar in Tallinn if she is a sex worker because believe me, if it’s an awkward subject to broach now, it’s an even more awkward one in your hotel room later.
If a girl is trying to break up with you, it IS NOT funny to start repeating what she says. For example:
Her: “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to carry on seeing each other.”
You: “No, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to carry on seeing each other”
Her: “You’re being childish.”
You: “No, you’re being childish.”
This could carry on for some time but she’s right, it doesn’t reflect well on your maturity.
The poor girl working the nightshift in the hotel reception will not be impressed by your note perfect rendition of “You’re Beautiful” performed in your underpants even if they are pristine Calvin Kleins. In fact, looking back, you will probably be grateful she doesn’t call security.
When your girlfriend finishes with you because of some instance of moronic behaviour on your part and asks what you have to say, launching into the chorus of Barry Manilow’s ‘Let’s Hang On’ is only going to reinforce her conviction that you are an idiot and she’s making the only sensible decision.
When a close female friend (yes I do have them, probably not for much longer after they read this though) tells you they think that their new boyfriend is boring or inadequate in some way or other, they probably want a constructive opinion, rather than some self promoting crap like “you’re probably just comparing him to me”.
If asked whether you are single it IS NOT charming in the slightest to begin with “Well I know it’s hard to believe but actually yes……”.
When you are asked “Where is this relationship going?” (And you will be), it IS NOT appropriate to respond with a geographical location such as the cinema, McDonalds, or the men’s toilets in the Patch and Parrot.
If I was to really trawl through my memory banks then I’m sure I could come up with plenty of similar examples of stupid, childish or downright obnoxious behaviour from myself but I think there’s more than enough here to cement me as a prize idiot so why bother? The point of this is not to further lower people’s opinions of me, but to pinpoint some of the most critical conversational mistakes I have made in the hope that future generations can avoid them. I can’t guarantee that you’ll be a success if you do this but I can guarantee that if you repeat my screw ups then clearly you’re as much of a dumbass as I am!
Disclaimer: This is not an entirely serious article. I have the utmost respect for the female sex and indeed hope very much that I’ll find one who will tolerate me eventually. Most of the above did happen though.
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